


Secrecy Kills

by itszaynandharry



Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-07
Updated: 2016-07-07
Packaged: 2018-07-22 04:56:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7420819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itszaynandharry/pseuds/itszaynandharry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn has a big secret and he has a plan to keep it hidden. The only downside is that his plan just leads him to Harry, who now becomes his even bigger secret.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this over a year ago. You can find this under my account on Wattpad. (@itsZaynAndhaRRY) It will be in my Zarry One Shots collection.

It starts in the summer when Zayn walks out into his backyard one day to go sit by the pool. Zayn has been hot all day and he figures water is the only thing that will relieve it. His parents are in the house doing whatever, so are his sisters and he's testing to see how cool the water is with his toe, while he sits at the edge of the pool.

Zayn doesn't swim. Never could. Never has. So sitting with his feet in the water is the only thing he could ever do. In fact, he wonders why he's even at the pool in the first place because if he isn't getting in, then the water can't properly do its job anyway. But he knows it's so hot and this is his only reasonable remedy at this time.

He remembers that he should have brought himself something cool to drink as well. That would probably suffice and kept him hydrated, but he doesn't feel like trudging up the steps that lead directly to his room door just for that.

He looks up from the water in which his legs are dangling in, and out into the backyard. But not his backyard. The one next to him. The house next to them is just as huge as theirs. There's a bedroom on the top floor with stairs leading directly to the backyard just like his and they also have a pool. It's easy for Zayn to see this because these are the only two houses in the neighborhood whose backyards haven't been divided by a fence yet. Zayn has no clue why it's taking his father so long to have one built. But he guesses that between his work and other hobbies, he just hasn't made time.

Zayn hears a door close in the distance and he looks in that direction. There's a girl coming out of the house next door and she's wearing a little orange bikini. Zayn has never seen her before. Never knew she existed in that house until now. He watches her drop a towel and some other things by the pool and he laughs to himself. She's probably actually going for a swim, unlike him.

And she is, because it isn't long before she's diving in the pool and gliding through the water like a fish. That's admirable to Zayn. Very admirable. And he finds himself getting up from the pool and going to the edge of the backyard but not crossing the boundary line.

He's still there when she gets out of the pool for another dive, and it scares her to death as she clutches her heart.

"Why are you just standing there watching me? Weren't you just over there?" she questions.

Zayn gives her a light nod and says, "It's nice that you can swim very well. I found it interesting since I can't swim and I just got up to get a closer look. I wasn't trying be creepy. Sorry."

She relaxes a bit, takes the towel to dry off, then ushers him into their backyard where they sit in the sun chairs. From there, there's a nice little conversation that goes from swimming, to finding out her name is Amanda, to Zayn finally finding out the reason he's never seen her is because she's just moved in with her parents a month ago. It turns out, she used to live three hours away in a small boring town with her brother Harry, and they lived in a small apartment. The only thing is that the lease to the apartment doesn't end for another eight months and Harry has to stay until it's up. Then he'd be moving back with his parents as well.

It's a silly little reason to move back, Zayn thinks. Especially when he finds out they had only lived there for two years. But then again, this girl is fairly beautiful with long, luscious, brown hair cascading down her back and maybe it's a good thing she came back.

They talk for a little more, laughing and joking and Amanda brings him something to drink. Secretly, Zayn hates this because the sun is so hot and it's nearly about to cook his skin. He should be inside. But it's nice to be able to talk to someone who seems to be showing an interest even if he isn't necessarily showing it back to her.

When they finish talking, Zayn sees it's nearly been two hours, and he stands up to leave. But not before he turns around and does the one thing he had never expected to do. He asks her out for ice cream the next day. Much to his surprise, she answers 'yes' and they set a time at 7pm because Zayn would be off from work by then. He makes his way back to the pool, but not to sit at it again. It's only to grab his towel and head back upstairs to his room.

Honestly, inside, Zayn has no clue why he asked her on a date. Not that he regrets asking, because he doesn't. It's just... he knows something about himself that no one else does, not even his parents or his sisters. It's a secret that he's kept to himself for a while. And that secret is that Zayn isn't exactly as straight as an arrow. He's liked guys since he was 18.

He kept it hidden well when they lived in their old neighborhood, and when he got his car and a job, that made it much more easier to hide. At one point, there was one guy, Nate, whom he wasn't technically "seeing", but he met up with him on occasions when he just needed someone to satisfy his wants and cravings in ways that just wouldn't work with a woman. Then he'd come home and pretend like nothing ever happened. Like everything was the way his parents wanted it be.

But when he turned 21, his parents moved to this high class neighborhood where anyone could know everyone's business in the blink of an eye, making it mandatory that he keep hiding his secret now. Otherwise, it would ruin their precious reputation. That's why, now that he's 23, he figures the only way to get rid of those feelings, is that he finds some pretty girl to date. That's where Amanda comes in. It's wrong. He knows know that. He knows he shouldn't use her like this, but it's all he knows to do. He believes this is his only hope.

They go out for ice cream the next day and just as he hoped, it all goes well. So he invites her on a second date. A second date turns into three. Three turns into four, and then five, six, seven and before they know it, they've been at it for 7 months. Zayn is content like this. Content with just having someone that likes him. Because in a weird kind of way it's taking his mind off of the same sex.

The only thing he isn't fine with, is that his parents are already pushing him to propose. He doesn't think 7 months is long enough to do it. Especially when he still walks through a store and does a double take when there's a guy with a pretty face who looks like he works out. But these are his parents. He has to remember that it's their reputation he'd be ruining and after 23 years of living with them, it's definitely time to give them back what they deserve.

His father buys the ring, which pisses Zayn off, because he wants to save up for it with his own money so that it gives him an excuse to wait another three months. But now that's ruined and they're expecting an engaged Zayn when he returns tonight.

Zayn absolutely hates it. Hates the way she says yes before jumping into his arms. Hates the way she kisses him, not realizing he doesn't really want to kiss back. Hates the way she admired the ring he slid on her finger. And most of all, he hates that his parents are getting exactly what they've wanted. This isn't him. This isn't the Zayn he thought he'd be when he first turned 18.

Finally, the eighth month comes around and Zayn is reminded that Harry's lease is almost up and that he'd be moving in with his parents as well. Zayn doesn't really care but he also knows that Harry has been dying to meet him because he wants to know who his sister is going to marry. It scares him a bit, because he knows that Harry is a year younger than him, which means he could end up being more immature about this whole thing than he should be. Zayn's not sure he's ready for it. But he'll have to wait and see.


	2. 2

Harry's arrival day comes and Amanda brings Zayn over to him. Zayn's hesitant, of course, because who knows what Harry could think of him during his first impression? But he wants it to be good.

Zayn sees a mess of curly hair facing the other way which Amanda is leading him to. And it makes Zayn smile when she walks over in front of him, giving him the biggest hug.

"Mandy!!!" Harry says hugging her tightly. And it makes Zayn smile as he kisses her head and tells her he loves her and that he missed her. But it makes him sad because he knows he can't really say those words to her because he doesn't really love her. He loves her like Harry does. As a brother or a best friend. In no way is he sexually attracted to her other than kissing her.

Zayn doesn't actually notice Harry completely, until Amanda introduces them.

"Hi, I'm Harry. Amanda's older brother." And he holds out his hand.

Zayn notices his voice is deep, yet soft and inviting. He takes his hand and shakes it trying to be firm but he realizes it's hard to because he feels the roughness of Harry's hand and it makes him go weak.

When he releases Harry's hand, his palm gets sweaty and he takes Amanda's hand so that he can convince himself that it's only sweating because of the heat from her body. Not his own.

Harry invites Zayn out into the backyard for a conversation and Amanda comes to. Zayn tries to think of any excuse to get away. But that's hard when he literally lives right next door.

They sit outside in the shade under the porch and Harry's mother brings out margaritas for them while they talk. Zayn hardly sips anything because he thinks if he does, his thoughts will probably do things he doesn't want them to do. It turns out, the margaritas have nothing to do with it, because he finds himself doing it anyway. He finds himself watching Harry and the way he speaks because that voice of his is really smooth and attractive. Each time he pushes a curl from his face, Zayn has to turn away and look at Amanda. But it almost makes him angry that it isn't her hair blowing beautifully like that.

They finish talking and before Zayn leaves, Harry offers to hang out, just the two of them. So they could get to know each other before they become in-laws.

Amanda insists, so Zayn reluctantly agrees and they set a day for next week, sometime after Harry has settled in and situated. Zayn knows it's going to be torture, but he's all for it, remembering it's for his parents reputation.

→→→→→

Harry and Zayn end up sitting at a restaurant not too far away. It's just a little diner across the street from a strip mall and surprisingly, though it's close to home, Zayn has never been here before. So it lets him imagine for moment in his mind that this is sort of like a date. Even though in Harry's mind, it probably more than likely isn't.

Zayn is thrown when the first topic they talk about, indeed is not Amanda, but himself. All night he'd come up with answers to questions he thought Harry might ask, so he'd know how to answer them. But he had never once thought to get his answers together about himself. So when Harry asks him what he likes to do, he sits there staring at him like he's clueless.

"What? You don't know?" Harry jokes and he gives Zayn a smile that makes him want to pull his eyes out. "Or are you just nervous?"

The latter was not all completely true, but Zayn nods anyway and finds that it's the right thing to do because Harry offers to tell about himself first, hoping to help him relax. Zayn listens to him. And he learns that there were some other things that drove Harry away from that town, besides the fact that it was boring. He doesn't say specifically, but he does say it had a lot to do with the reason why Amanda left him there alone and came back first. He also tells Zayn it was a good thing and that it all worked out, because now Zayn has met her, come to love her and will be married to her soon.

Zayn smiles, but inside he's furious. Furious with his parents, furious with their reputation, and furious with himself for allowing himself to go through with this. 

The waitress comes by the table to take their order, but Zayn doesn't get anything. Harry orders a chocolate milkshake. Zayn wonders why the waitress looks between them, but she's wondering why they would only order one milkshake when there's a whole diner full of food. But she saunters off anyway and heads to the kitchen.

Now it's Zayn's turn to talk about himself. And Harry listens intently as he talks about his move there and his three sisters. Zayn smiles too, because Harry seems just as genuinely interested in his story as Zayn was into his. It lights up his day.

The waitress comes back with the milkshake and sets it down on the table. But she doesn't sit it down in front of Harry, the one who ordered it. She sets it down in the middle between them both and they immediately notice two straws instead of one.

Zayn doesn't know what to do. He's never had this happen before and he stares at Harry with wide and slightly terrified eyes. He wonders if he should bolt because of the embarrassment, but that thought is interrupted when he hears Harry laughing.

"I can't believe she did that." Harry says. "I can't believe she assumed."

Zayn let's out a chuckle, but it's strained. Because he doesn't think it's funny to imagine Harry being with him. He thinks of himself as an alright guy. Unless Harry is laughing because his arrow doesn't bend at all. Then yeah, it would be funny. Hilarious actually.

Zayn is so hot, he feels like the sweat beads are already appearing on his forehead. It feels like it's about to get awkward but Harry fools him and says something Zayn had thought to be unthinkable.

"There's two straws. So you might as well." He shrugs his shoulders casually and takes one of the straws, putting it in between his lips, sucking carefully. Zayn gasps at the sight of it and Harry's hands pop back up into his mind too. Why? He doesn't know and his mind snaps out of it when Harry points to the other straw, making a humming noise that sounds like "drink".

So Zayn does, just taking a small sip and the shake is so good, that he makes a mental note to come back here one day. He also makes the mistake of looking up and he sees that Harry is watching him intently. Which means green eyes meet brown, causing Zayn to go nervous and stop paying attention to what he's doing. Suddenly he jumps back, because the milkshake has touched his teeth and now he wishes he could stop this cold and freezing feeling in his mouth.

Harry stops drinking and laughs but his laughter is cut sort by his catching a brain freeze.

 _Serves you right._ Zayn thinks as he sucks his teeth. _That's for having gorgeous eyes._

Zayn is glad when this day has ended. Because as much as he hates it, he needs to get back to Amanda. He needs to kiss her or something. To remind himself that he's engaged to her and that he can't fantasize about being with someone else. Not even her brother. Especially her brother. 


	3. 3

Zayn quickly finds out it isn't easy composing himself around Harry. And even though it's not, he feels like his little perverted thoughts of him are starting to seep out in his actions. And it doesn't help at all when Harry suggests Zayn's family come over after his sisters have arrived home from school for some pool time and a little dinner which he helped plan out.

Of course Amanda has her say and she begs him to go. So he goes, knowing he'd just sit in the chairs anyway since he can't swim. His sisters decide they don't want to swim, but that they'd rather go inside and watch Harry's mother cook, along with the rest of the grownups. So they do, leaving Amanda, Harry and Zayn alone at the pool.

"Aren't you going to get in?" Harry asks standing at the edge of the water.

But Zayn shakes his head no.

"He can't swim." Amanda says. "He usually tans as if he needs it."

Harry laughs. "Tan? It's pretty hard to do that with a shirt on though, right?" And he pulls off his own T-shirt tossing it back away from the pool.

Zayn's breath completely leaves him because well, he's never seen Harry shirtless. And he quickly sees that it's not good that he's seeing it now. Because he's resisting the urge to kiss him all over his bare and tatted chest.

"Um, maybe I won't tan today." he replies.

But Amanda gives him a look that annoys him and he pulls his shirt over his head anyway. He feels so exposed though. So naked. He knows his shorts are still on. It's just hard not to feel that way because the last time he was in the vicinity of another male with his shirt off, he was in the back of his car, digging his nails into the back of some guy name Hal. And that was at night in a parking lot of a closed restaurant because Zayn knew he couldn't take him home.

Zayn watches Harry jump into the pool, making a huge splash and he's thankful for it because it brings him back to earth, causing him to remember not to stare at him all evening. Amanda jumps in behind him making a smaller splash, but he admits he could have had it any way with her. He could help himself around her and it would be easy to control himself from staring at her. Even if she does have perfect curves.

It's about thirty minutes later when Harry is finally walking up the steps out of the pool, water dripping from his tanned chest with his hair matted against his head. Zayn's eyes trail downward and he has to stop his eyes from popping out of his head because now Harry's swimming trucks are sticking to him making him very visible. Zayn bites his lip and pretends to be looking for Amanda, so that he's ignoring Harry walking over to him.

He curses in his brain because she's swimming under water and he realizes that it's worse than he thought. Because now he feels like he's just completely using her. Amanda is just something to escape the real life or in other words, someone that will help him ignore his feelings for other men.

When Zayn looks up, he thinks he sees Harry staring down at him. Maybe. Maybe not. But he doesn't want to assume because not everyone is like him. Harry sits in the chair next to him and pats Zayn's shoulder just because.

"Wow, you're hot."

Zayn quickly looks at him, his eyebrows close together in confusion.

"I mean your body is hot."

Zayn raises his eyebrows and Harry face palms because it's obvious it still came out wrong. "I meant the temperature of your skin feels hot... the sun, it's..." Harry tries to explain. "Not you... Although I'm pretty sure Amanda thinks that when it comes to you, cause you are a good looking guy."

Zayn blushes and can't resist peeking at Harry's shorts again. He doesn't even care to look at Amanda to distract him this time.  
"It's nice of you to invite us over. Especially the whole family, being so big and all."

Harry chuckles and Zayn thinks that even his laugh is deep. It's addicting. And so fucking sexy.

"Yeah. I just thought it would be fun. You are going to be in our family, you might as well get used to it... Speaking of being in the family, how's the wedding planning going?"

Zayn freezes because he doesn't want to think about a stupid wedding when he's already thinking about pulling Harry's shorts down and getting on his knees in front of him.

"It's okay. But that's mostly for the females though, right?"

Harry nods quickly in agreement and Zayn is glad Harry is satisfied with that answer because honestly, he hasn't even been paying attention to the wedding planning since he doesn't want to be married to her. He's just glad the date is set for six months from now, which gives him some more time.

They go on talking a bit more and ten minutes later, Amanda steps out of the pool. "My two favorite boys are talking. I love it!" And she walks over and kisses them both on the forehead. Zayn hopes Harry didn't notice he tried his best to avoid looking down her bikini top.

→→→→→

Zayn finally gives up trying to avoid Harry when he sees that Harry always wants to invite him places. What makes it worse, is that he says it's a guy thing most of the time, so that means Amanda won't be there for him to kiss when he secretly wants his lips on Harry's. She won't be there to hold his hand when he's resisting the urge to feel him. And she won't be there to look at, when he needs to stare at someone else other than Harry. She won't and that's hard. Really hard.

Zayn has been places with Harry numerous times over the last three months since he's known him but each time, the two of them seem to get closer. Zayn keeps trying to hide his feelings, hoping they don't permeate through his skin. And he's been doing well for the most part. But he wants to slap himself every time he thinks about the times he's gone out with Harry and ended up taking more precision into how he looked, than he ever did with his own fiancée. He knows that's not good.

Now, three months away from the wedding, Zayn is at Amanda's house one evening after work, watching her look at wedding dresses in a magazine.

"All the ones I have circled are what I'm going to try on next week and I'm going to have to pick one because it's getting late." she says giving Zayn the book. "Which one do you think?"

"Should I even be looking at these?" Zayn asks.

"It's not like you'll see me in it, so please look." she whines. "Just tell me which three you like the most."

He looks down at it and sees that the ones she has circled are indeed beautiful and he can see why she circled them. But then he counts and notices it's a total of 24 that are circled. Wait... He has to narrow these down to three? He doesn't have time this. Especially since he doesn't even want to do it.

So he pretends to look through it for five minutes and then just picks any three. Amanda is too distracted to realize he doesn't care.

A few minutes later, Harry walks in and Zayn sees that his hair is all over his head. He must've just taken a nap obviously and for some odd reason, his mind begins to drift until he's sitting there wondering if his hair looks like this after sex. Probably.

Zayn quickly goes back to the wedding magazine and pretends to not notice that the lower part of Harry's stomach is showing while he stretches. But that doesn't mean he isn't thinking about it, because he is. And he is still thinking about it when he feels Harry's hand touch his shoulder.

"Having fun?" he teases.

Zayn only nods once, because if he doesn't remain still, he's afraid Harry will feel him shivering and figure out that he's itching for Harry to touch him more.

It all seems to work out though and he gets his wish when Harry's hand slides down and off his back with a slow swipe. Zayn unconsciously looks up at him and he is startled when he sees that Harry is looking down at him too. He doesn't avert his eyes since Harry isn't looking away either. Which means they're both just staring at each other.

"We're going to go shopping for the girls' dresses tomorrow. And we'll be looking at décor for the reception later this week. Are you sure you want red and white as our wedding color scheme?" Amanda asks Zayn. But no one actually looks up to see the two staring at each other.

Zayn swallows. "Can we uh... If it's not too late, can we change it to green?" he says.

"Of course!" she cheers. "I love green. Plus that's way brighter and I already have tons more ideas for that color than red."

She pats his hand to show she's pleased with his choice and that's when Zayn realizes what he just did. He huffs out a frustrated sigh and stands up immediately. Then he exits the kitchen heading straight out to the backyard. No one seems to notice that Harry follows him out.

"Zayn, where are you going?"

"Home." He doesn't stop.

"Home? Why?" And he crosses the boundary behind Zayn into his yard.

Zayn still pretends not to hear him.

"Why?" Harry asks again. He's within a length that let's him touch Zayn. So just as they get to the steps that lead to up to his room, he grabs onto Zayn's arm, turning Zayn to face him.

"What are you doing?!" Zayn spits.

"Answer me!"

"I just want to go home." Zayn lies. He won't admit that he just changed his wedding colors to green because that's the color of Harry's eyes.

"In the middle of your wedding planning?" Harry asks holding his free hand out to gesture back toward his house.

Zayn breathes deeply because Harry's hand has a strong grip on his bare arm and it feels so rough. He knows it's highly inappropriate now, but he keeps thinking about them going other places too. "I was going to come back."

"Yeah right." Harry says letting go and throwing his hands up in the air. "When? Tomorrow?"

Zayn gulps because that sounds about right and now he feels guilty for it.

"That's what I thought." Harry shakes his head almost in disappointment. Then he speaks again. "Why are you suddenly being so distant with me? I don't get it. Did you change your mind about me?"

"What?" Zayn asks, his voice cracking because, now he feels like he's choking.

Harry runs his hand through his messy hair and sighs. "I see when you look at me Zayn. You're not very good at hiding."

Zayn's heart almost explodes out of his chest and he backs up on the first step away from him. He is determined not to say one word, nothing that would potentially ruin his parents' reputation.

"Have you told her?" Harry simply asks.

"T-Told her w-what?" Zayn stumbles.

"Don't bullshit me, Zayn." Harry's tone of voice is so firm that Zayn is prepared to be punched in the face.

"I'm... I'm not..."

Zayn backs up on another step, his lip already trembling from the embarrassment that Harry knows. Not only does he know Zayn isn't really into his sister as much as he seems, but he knows Zayn likes his own sex. He knows that Zayn likes him. What a fucking nightmare.

"Zayn."

"I'm sorry." he says putting his hands out in front of him as if he is trying to steady himself. "I am, really. I don't want to hurt her."

But I just... I just don't love her."

Harry's eyes go wide almost as if he's shocked those words came from his mouth.

"Harry, don't be angry with me please." Tears begin to streak his cheeks. "I just can't...I can't keep kissing her and pretending that there's not someone else out there that I like. But I don't want to soil my parents reputation here. I hope you can understand. But if you want me to go back and own up to that now in front of everyone I will. I swear!"

Harry's face is so plain that it scares Zayn. "You want me to let you break my sister's heart?"

"No." he answers quickly. "Please, don't say it like that." His voice is pleading.

But Harry reaches up and grabs Zayn's collar, pulling him down the two steps until he's back on level ground, face inches from Harry's. Zayn whimpers as he looks up at him.

"Why do you think I moved back here, Zayn?"

Zayn shakes his head, still crying. "I...don't know."

"To get away from this. That's why." Harry answers. "To get away from the kind of life I had there. And now you're starting it all over again."

"I'm sorry. Really sorry." Zayn apologizes, even though he still doesn't know why. He just hopes it will spare him a black eye.

"Fuck! Don't apologize to me Zayn. Apologize to her." He looks away before he says his next words. "Shit... I'm going to have to apologize to her too."

Zayn scrunches his nose as he studies Harry's face. "Why?"

Harry doesn't answer his question with any words. Instead, he plants his lips onto Zayn's very forcefully and without warning, trying his best not to think about it.

Zayn's eyes widen as he tries to calculate what's going on. For all he knows, he could be hallucinating. But he closes his eyes and relaxes and he knows he's not. Because he can feel Harry's tongue exploring the lining of his cheeks and his grip is beginning to loosen up on his collar. The kiss is so fierce and dramatic because Zayn hasn't had this in a while. He's been pretending to be someone he isn't. But this here, is who he is.

Harry pulls away and kisses his cheek and neck over and over again and Zayn realizes he's crying again, but for a different reason. He's hurting so many people. But it's his mess. It's his mess to clean up.

Harry stops kissing Zayn and looks him in his eyes. "This wasn't planned all along, was it?" he asks.

"No." Zayn answers. And that's true, because Amanda is in his life to suppress those feelings for the same gender, not stir them up.

Harry doesn't reply or ask him anything else. He simply turns his back. He tells Zayn he'll tell everyone he didn't feel good and then he quietly heads back to his own home.

It's after 10:30 now and Zayn hasn't come out of his room since he went up and he hasn't stopped thinking about the kiss that's going to hurt Amanda and his own family if they ever find out. He's laying in his bed when he hears a knock at his door. And not his room door leading from the inside of the house, but rather the door leading to the steps and outside.

He opens the door and slowly peeks his head out. When he sees Harry, he gasps, but that's all he's able to do before Harry is forcefully attacking him with kisses everywhere. Zayn is shocked, but he still kisses back, allowing Harry to force his way in. Harry kicks the door closed, then pushes Zayn onto his bed and begins to undo his own jeans, wondering why they aren't undoing fast enough.

He doesn't allow any thoughts to enter his mind just like when they first kissed, because thoughts fuck up shit. And this, he so badly doesn't want to be fucked up. Harry leans down and undresses Zayn carefully but quickly and he presses his naked body against Zayn's, loving the way it feels. Zayn, on the other hand is over the moon because he really wants this. He wants Harry. His bare chest is against Zayn's and it's so muscular and perfect. He knows Harry is a year younger, but he's taller and bigger and can easily handle Zayn who just wants to feel him.

At first Harry just kisses him passionately, but still so intense while allowing Zayn to pull at his hair. But then he can't wait anymore and he's quickly prepping Zayn and waiting at his entrance.

"Harry, this is torture." Zayn mumbles as he wraps his legs up around him. "Just do it."

Harry obeys and pushes himself inside and they both let out short coherent moans. This is perfect and Zayn loves the feeling of Harry moving inside of him. It hurts a little, but the pleasure is so much more satisfying and it allows him to forget everything.

Right now he feels nothing for Amanda. He feels no guilt, no regret, no empathy. Nothing. He doesn't feel bad at all.

All he feels are Harry's kisses and his thrusts. That's all he wants to feel. And he's sure it's all Harry wants to feel too.


	4. 4

Zayn is relaxed when he wakes up. It's Saturday, which means he doesn't go to work. Harry is there too, sleeping against him and he feels satisfaction. He checks his phone for the time and sees that he also has a text from Amanda. His stomach drops when he remembers that he just slept with his fiancée's brother. 

He opens the message and realizes it's pictures of three fabrics, each a different color green that she thinks will be beautiful for the wedding. She's asking Zayn to choose which of the colors he likes best. And which ever one he chooses, will be the color of the bridal party members' dresses.

He sits up, looks at Harry laying there and picks any color. Then he sighs because now he's going to be thinking about Harry's eyes whenever he looks back at these wedding photos. Zayn puts the phone back, lays down and stares at Harry intently. He knows they can't stay here together as if this is his life. As if this is the way his parents want him to live. Because it isn't. He's getting married and that's final.

→→→→→

Zayn feels horrible knowing what he did, but he and Harry don't say a word about it for the next month. Whenever they're surely alone, they sneak in a few kisses, a few touches and Zayn does a few things with his mouth that results in him not thinking it would be appropriate to kiss Amanda until he brushes his teeth. Twice. But if he's going to have some piece of happiness in his life, he has to do what he wants even if it's in secrecy.

It hurts, sure, but at the same time, it doesn't. It never hurts when he's cuddled with Harry in either of their beds and it never hurts when the friction from their naked bodies are rubbing against each other and creating something magical.   
It only hurts when he thinks about the fact that he's going to end up hurting everyone he loves and it only hurts when he remembers that he has to put on this façade and pretend like he loves Amanda when he really doesn't. What makes everything worse is that now Harry is involved in this and when this all finally comes out, Harry will hurt the ones he loves too. 

 

And it will all be because of Zayn. Because he's going to know he should have never let it get this far.

→→→→→

A month and a half away from the wedding, Amanda invites Zayn and his family to come over for dinner. She is completely head over heels for Zayn now and he wants to throw up at the thought of it. Because little to her knowledge, he's already tired of kissing her. 

Harry sits across from them at the dinner table and raises his eyebrow because Amanda is all over Zayn and he can tell Zayn is just not feeling it. He's not either. But he can't let anyone know that. He doesn't want to be the one to break his sister's heart and he doesn't want Zayn to break his parents' hearts. However, he doesn't want her to be used as a cover either. He loves her and he's conflicted because he knows that either way, she's going to hurt. 

"Zayn. We have to do cake testing in a couple of weeks. But I want both of our families there to taste too. Do you mind?"

Zayn shakes his head." Of course not."

She gives him a huge smile and pats him. "I know you don't like doing this kind of stuff. But it's going to be fun. Trust me."

→→→→→

It's cake tasting day. Amanda wanted both families there, so everyone is there. All except Zayn's sisters who are in school. Zayn is pissed because he had to take off from work again for this bullshit. 

He keeps getting little saucers handed to him all containing a different flavor and color of cake. He's completely annoyed that Amanda wants to analyze every fucking piece and he gives up adding his input. By the time they've finished, Zayn has tasted 10 different cakes ranging from chocolate, coconut, and carrot. It takes every ounce of him to convince her that Marble cake is fine and that it sounds way better than what she wanted at first: some weird strawberry cake with pecans baked into it.

When the cake testing ends, Zayn's parents go in their own cars and Zayn has to persuade Amanda to go home with her parents because he and Harry have some "important stuff to do for the wedding". It's a lie of course and he only feels a little terrible for it. But he just wants to be with Harry right now. No one else.

He ends up driving them to a little community park just out of the city. Harry takes him to a hotdog cart and it's the best thing he's had to eat all day. He thinks if he has anything sweet for the rest of the week, then he'll have a sugar rush for the rest of his life. He laughs at his own thought.

When they've finished, they take a walk in the park, but not holding hands because anyone could be there to see them and they still have to be careful. When they get tired of walking, they go back to the car where they kiss each other over and over until Zayn has to pull away remembering it's now only a month before he's actually bound to Amanda. 

Harry offers to drive Zayn's car home and Zayn let's him because he wants to enjoy this for a change. He wants to enjoy the life that he wants to live and the life his parents hate. He only has it for thirty more days.


	5. 5

Secrets can be one of the most fun things to keep. Especially for surprises. But when the very thing a person is hiding is wrong, that's when it is only scary and cruicial. After keeping something like that for so long, there's a point in time when it begins to weigh heavily on a person and make them feel worse than they've ever felt before. Secrecy kills. It wrecks everything in its path and even turns truth into lies. Just like Zayn feels it's doing to him now.

It's two days before the wedding and the rain is pouring outside. Tomorrow is the wedding rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. Zayn doesn't want this, but at this rate, it looks like he'll have a married life soon. An unwanted married life.

Zayn still knows it's wrong, knows that Harry is heartbroken that it's his own sister he's doing this to. So he feels guilty that it's him that brought Harry into this situation anyway. Zayn buries his face in his pillow and cries his eyes out until he doesn't want to cry anymore and when his chest feels heavy, he knows it's a sign he has got to do something. Even if it means hurting his parents and ruining their good thing.

He gets up to go to the door thinking about what he should say to Harry but when he opens it, it scares him that Harry is already standing there in the pouring rain. Harry immediately brings his hands to the side of Zayn's face and kisses him. "Sorry, if I scared you. I was standing here trying to get my thoughts together about what to say to you."

Zayn tells him it's okay and he pulls him inside out of the rain.

Harry stands in the middle of the floor as Zayn grabs towels and he opens his mouth to say something that makes Zayn's heart drop.

"We have to tell them."

Zayn doesn't really know why his heart dropped because it was the same exact thing he was about to go tell Harry. But hearing that come from him, reminds him that all of this is real. That this is actually happening to them.

He sets the towels down and lets Harry step on them. It's now that he sees Harry is crying too. "We have to tell them." Harry repeats.

"I know," Zayn says. "I know."

He helps Harry out of his top clothes and tosses them along with his wet shoes in the bathroom. Then he hands Harry another towel for his hair and watches him carefully as he dries it. Harry's demeanor seems a little unsure, but he knows Harry has made up his mind already.

"Tomorrow?" Zayn's suggests and Harry nods slowly.

"At dinner then." Zayn says and he bites his nail nervously because he can already see the disappointed looks on everyone's faces. He sees his parents, Harry's parents and even though he doesn't love her, Amanda's face will probably hurt the most. He wraps his arms around Harry and buries his face in his neck. "Everything is going to be okay, right?" Now he's thinking about all the close relationships in this family that could potentially ruined. There's so much at stake.

"Yes, it will." Harry says and he throws his towel down to hug Zayn.

They stand there holding each other and silently crying, until Zayn calls his name softly and trembly. "Harry."

"Yeah?" he asks, his voice cracking a little.

"I need you... I need you right now. Can you take my mind off of this?"

Harry bites his lip nervously, not sure if this is the time. But Zayn is looking up at him and his eyes are just as pleading as his words.

"Harry..." He says again. "Please. I need you. Please..."

Harry looks at him for a couple more seconds before he pulls him into a sweet kiss. And he can feel Zayn trembling, literally shaking beneath him. Harry finishes the kiss and guides Zayn over to his bed where he lays him down. Zayn looks up at him heartbroken and torn as Harry removes every piece of clothing on him and Harry knows it's because he's terrified. Because he is too.

Neither of them know why they let it get this far but Zayn blames himself. He blames himself for getting involved with Amanda for all the wrong reasons in the first place. This is exactly what he gets for trying to live his life around everyone else. This is what he gets for trying to please everyone but himself. It's what he deserves.

He's thankful that Harry removes his own underwear, climbs on top of him and begins to do exactly what he asked him to do. He leans downward to kiss him again, while he uses his fingers to prep. Once he's done, he pushes Zayn's legs back so that he's in an uncomfortable but willing position. Zayn closes his eyes as he begins to feel him enter.

Just like the first time they'd ever been together, Zayn doesn't feel a thing. Except this isn't about Amanda anymore. It's about himself. He feels no guilt, no regret, no pity. Nothing. He doesn't feel bad at all.

All he feels are Harry's kisses and the way he moves. That's all he wants to feel. And he's sure it's all Harry wants to feel too.

**Author's Note:**

> Got any questions or have something to say? Talk to me on [tumblr!](http://itszaynandharry.tumblr.com/)


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